Zeitgeist

Me thinks duh: "Tolstoy believed that leadership, like other things, was a "zeitgeist" and was a product of the social circumstances at the time. Thus, it was not the characteristics of the individual that resulted in leadership, but societal factors of the time that are out of the individual's control." #likeeverydisneymovie Not the best, but what we need. There are so many people that are talented who never get the leadership tag. Society is a picky bitch. Thus, when you think of leaders, you are guaranteed to be disappointed and rarely surprised. We must remember the power structures in which they also must operate. Tempting as violence and radical actions, these things do not catch fire unless the power engages in abject violence.

INTERSTELLAR

My favorite things from Interstellar.

As I sit a year removed in the self enforced darkness... cause it's hot as shit outside, i began to think Interstellar was pretty cool. 

Why? Not science. Also, not apocalypse. Interstellar is cool cause it has a nice shiny idea in it which is very important. This, this idea is that a government policy effort which is broadcast and tweeted is not really the stated intent or hoped for result, rather the secondary benefit. 

Often we hear noise about how this mission is intended to A) get us into space; B) bankrupt the competition; or C) advance technology. 

PRETTY sure everyone feels like this... So then, there is this essential battle of being influenced in thought by intuition versus unclear science. IDk about y'all, but i like to learn and confirm shit on my smartphone. But sometimes, there's stuff that just can't be telephoned.

When shameful things come back

When the past seems far away... and smacks you in the face. I've been having lucid dreams. These dreams take me back, remind me of moments from the past. I've been transported to my own personal mishaps that I had long ago forgotten. I have these old memories that come out of nowhere. Some shameful and not great. Particularly, my early days in college. I had a girlfriend in high-school who was a really wonderful person. I don't say this in longing for her, but just as honesty. Who she is and who I am are incompatible, but that doesn't mean how I treated her was right. I didn't abuse her or insult her, but i just broke off communications coldly. I knew we were going separate ways, she to the East me staying West. I could of lived life, and pretended the day was far away, but I instead coldly broke things off because of the looming distance, and knowing that things were not strong enough compatibility-wise to keep holding on. This seems simple and not so bad in retrospect, but the story is not over. I made a fool of myself and her many months later. She was visiting friends at the school I went to, mutual friends. I hung out with them, and was overly drunk. She was staying with them in their dorm room on the floor. I somehow thought it was a great idea to hit on her after not speaking and breaking up. She was cordial, nice, and I was a tool. I tried to get with her in the dorm room that everyone was in like a stupid asshole. That's the story. My friends called me out and I'm not sure if I ever properly apologized to her or them. This memory had been blocked from my mind for so long but just surfaced a couple days ago. Naturally, being who I am now I feel awful and creepy. It's too late to tell her my guilt, and doing so wouldn't change anything. Regardless, its a moment in my life that I have to live with and feel shameful about. I just hope that she has moved on and it wasn't a frightening or terribly embarrassing moment for her.

fun with letters

Tolstoy believed that leadership, like other things, was a "zeitgeist" and was a product of the social circumstances at the time. Thus, it was not the characteristics of the individual that resulted in leadership, but societal factors of the time that are out of the individuals’ control.

The start of my homage to mi padre

“May you live in interesting times,” my dad’s favorite curse. His college studies were History with a focus on China. Chinese sayings just always had a way of entering those moments when life was teaching you a lesson. The man grew up poor. He was a white boy in the hood. The guy grew up in the projects, one of the few white families. The joke was always that the Great Depression didn't end til he came back from Vietnam and finished college. He had four brothers and grew up in Saint Johns, the fifth quadrant, of the city of Portland. I think that fitting, the white boy who had the other experience outside the square.

The family were early Euro arrivals in the area of Portland. They had a land grant where terminal 4 of the Port of Portland resides. They were given a pittance in return for eminent domain. The only piece left over is a family cemetery that lies off the side of the road in an industrial area of N Portland.

My kin are the product of non-illustrious stock. Poor Irish, poorer Polish, Germans falling on hard times, French adventurers who drank themselves into fur trading, and the native women whom they may have owned or abused. My grandfather was a dick, he died of emphysema in his early 50s. My father’s proudest accomplishment is not falling into the same rut as his ancestors. He defeated alcoholism, wild emotions, and still struggles at night with PTSD from Vietnam. If life were rated by where you started and what you gave to your children, the man would rank amongst the all time champs.

My dad has 3 brothers. They were initially raised in a 2 bedroom house. The 4 brothers all crammed into a small room. My grandpa was hard on them and a vicious alcoholic. They hid behind their mother, a small 5” tall polish and french Canadian lady - birth name Genevieve Charbonneau. The boys were divided by a large age gap of about 8 years, between the oldest and the youngest pair. My dad, to this day, has a better relationship with his younger bro, they were kids 3 and 4.

Not trying, just being

In my existence I've gone through a couple stages of life. As a youngster I was shy and quiet and generally kept to myself. As a teen I was focused on wearing the acceptable thing and being with the acceptable people and all that silly uptight stuff. In my mid twenties I was trying to be a better person and aspiring to things that seem a little silly. Finally, after all these ebbs and flows I'm in my 30's and I'm me. I don't worry so much about what others think, I say my opinion, and I have the mentality that just being who you are is the way to filter the gunk out of social relationships.

I used to play things PC, be consoling of people I disagreed with, and generally put my thoughts second. But, that part of me is gone. I don't really care so much about impressing, or trying to get in with certain people. Honestly, all I care about is relating on a common level. People are very different and don't always see eye to eye. I'm ok with that. I also think its perfectly acceptable for me to be a friend to someone I don't always see eye to eye with. I often fall into this trap, I'm a pretty laid-back, polite, do the right thing kind of guy. Naturally, that means that when I meet new people many happen to be Religious.

I don't have a problem with Religion on a personal level, but I do have a lot of opinions that most likely rub Religious people the wrong way, and I'm not going to just pretend like I don't disagree. But this also means that I don't poke fun at them for their beliefs. I always have a test of sorts. I think that being Religious is great if you realize that dogma is bad. I've been friends with Muslims, Christians, Jews, and Buddhists, and it all boils down to the realization that spirituality is not static and absolute.

In terms of people relations, I just feel freer now. In my workplace I feel free to joke around and make a fool of myself, because that is part of me. I sometimes worry that by being goofy or funny others will take me as unprofessional, but in reality I'm super hard on myself and know that I always do my best. If anything its a form of bonding and morale boosting, and I also do not take myself too seriously. I realize that I'm just a man and am fallible.

Its also really funny being "free." Its now finally dawning on me that I'm divorced, have a whole damn home to myself, no kids, and am relatively young. I have friends tell me to get out and fuck everyone. Yah, that is not gonna happen. No matter how free I may be, that's just not me. I learned a lot from the failure of my past relationship and that is: don't play games, be genuine, and make sure you are in a relationship for the right reasons. In the past, I stayed in a crappy relationship for too long. I thought that through work things could change. Unfortunately, when you are in a relationship with someone who has dramatic mood swings every six months things don't change, they come full circle.

All this just brings me to now. I see all these engaging, lovely women and yet its like I don't care. This is a growth spurt for me. In the past, any lovely woman who I got along with I would think romance. But now there is just more nuance. I think about different things: will you be able to handle my terrible jokes, will you be able to handle my tight-knit family, do you realize that I'm lazy, do you get that when I fall in love I'm undyingly loyal, can you handle the fact that I will question your beliefs, or that you must realize I'm stubborn as hell and nagging doesn't work. And most of all, does she understand that I want a partnership, I don't expect her to be my mom and I am not going to be her daddy. She must realize that I'll always find her beautiful, even with bags under her eyes, wrinkles setting in, and stretch marks in places that have changed over the years. I have a whole lot of acceptance and now the difference is that I don't want to give it away so easily. 

Birthday party - downs then ups

Pre party

Getting ready for a night out that will eventually involve a warehouse dance club. Looking at myself in the mirror I think: "I look like a 34 year old single dad. Zero sex appeal." I take off my hat and look at my thinning hair and try to spice it up. A little gel and finger action should possibly do the trick. Suddenly don’t look like a trucker. The only other problem is that all the clothes i have are just wrong. The wool pullover sweater i'm wearing is Costco sheek. The T-shirt below it is pretty cool; unfortunately, several months of improper food consumption mean that it is a tad too easy for my belly to pop out. I throw on a stylish coat to cover it all up.

One hour til party.

I'm dreading every moment before meeting up with the party group. It is pouring rain and the nearest car2go is a mile away. I use a feature on the app called the radar to monitor an area in hopes that a car will become available. 30 min later a car2go shows u, 5 blocks will be ok.

Arriving at Blitz Ladds

Never been to the place. But low and behold, fucking Jerome Kersey, Terry Porter, and all these local Trail Blazers are recording a goddamn TV program. I sneak by. The bar is the longest, brightest place i've seen. Booths and TVs stretch for the distance. I wander having no idea where my clan is. I find ‘em at about the halfway mark. I greet everyone awkwardly and nervously, as i missed lunch and feel shaky. The pleasantries go well enough, and then i get around to some sitting. My attention is completely disrupting by the 30 plus screens filled with sports and Harry Potter. Eventually, a waitress is flagged down and she takes my order, totchos and a gin and tonic. She makes a comment that happens very often when i hand over my debit card, “how do you say your last name?” I of course reply: “Purkapile.” People are always unphased by how something that looks so exotic has such a lackluster pronunciation. She smiles to herself and walks away.

As I order the call comes in: 30 minutes til clubbing. I get my food scarf it down and put the half filled plate of leftovers in a napkin wrap. I jokingly tell everyone that come midnight they will thank me for the, “tots in my pocket, which have congealed to become burrito-like.”

Waiting in line at a dance club

The line stretches for a ways. We luckily skip like 10 people due to our friends. In the line we joke and converse. It comes up that my other friends also feel old. They look around and see lovely 22 year-olds in fantastic attire. We wait a bit longer. The waiting gives an opportunity to really talk to my friend who has been out of town for years. She lives in New York and recently graduated. She told me of the difficulties of living in the city. The cost of living is absurd. She can't casually grab a burrito, or a beer. The jobs she has found pay too little. She wants to get out but its complicated. Her boyfriend is also wading through the difficulties with low pay and opportunity. She talks about the difficulties of finding good jobs in Portland which would pay enough to cover her loans. What she tells me sucks, and brings a bunch of empathy from me. She she asks if I would be willing to move for opportunities, and i reply too quickly: “No. My family is here and I’d miss them too much. I would rather be making less here than more in another place.”

In da’ Club

We all get hit by the bass. It shatters our 30 year old bones. Just kidding. We all are finding the lights and the music difficult to handle. Eventually we saunter up to the bar, which is a life like version of Lord of the Flies. Its chaos, elbows hitting tits, asses bouncing off hips, drinks spilling down blouses. After the melee, drinks are in hand. We proceed to the back area of the large dimly lit warehouse. We find an awkward little bench suitable for 4 but which will serve a party of 8. We listen to the tunes, which are more like thumps and grunts, and our bodies start twitching. My head, elbows, and ass won’t stop moving. Mind you, I never actually get up. I’m table dancing.

Hours later

The liquor has done its due, and finally im up and shaking. The music took control. The end.

(got too tired to write anymore, sorry…)

Pictures

Humans have forever attempted to hold on to images. Hell, the major point at which we distinguish modern man from earlier iterations is art. So, on the one hand, we struggle with the fact that we misplace and can't completely replicate our memories. While, on the other hand, we slowly creep towards having the ability to never lose memories. I've done enough living to know that for many people the healthiest thing you can do is to step away from stress and take a moment. Sometimes we really do have to forget, actively, in order to forgive.

I love the flexibility and amazing technology that we have. I also wonder what it is doing to my brain. In the past, I could just put some pictures in a box and shove it away. Now I have to live with them in my face. In some ways this forces you to really get over things, but in others its just tortuous. I guess at the end of the day the lesson learned is to only take great pictures, otherwise what's the point?

I've read articles about how individuals decided to get drunk and meticulously delete photos of themselves and their Ex like a digital cleaner. This is not what I wanted. So I've just set the stuff aside. I'm not going to start dating soon, so I don't care that my profile is filled with pictures of some unnamed woman. I don't look at them, so they are just relics. The thing I struggle with is the choosing. There were some great pictures, and actually some pretty great times. I don't want to carpet bomb an era of my life because the result wasn't magical. I've always been a journey versus destination kind of guy.

Pictures and videos of the past are peculiar ghosts. As a human you have your memory and your feelings. Once you no longer have a moment in your re-callable memory and you eyeball a picture, the deep innards of your brain somehow rekindle the memory. I've looked at pictures and been able to remember moments that otherwise were locked away. Pictures also recall emotions. I've looked at pictures of Exes, and the way I remembered them versus the way that I see them in the present staring at their picture is very different. If I were to think of past relationships and people, I usually think in glowing terms. But, when I see some pictures I just see a person, just like anyone else. I see their flaws, I see my flaws, images in a frame no longer so inspired.

Pictures have this great power about them to jump-start memories. So what about when you are done with the memories? What about when you want to move on? Is it disingenuous to click a button and have the hard-drive demagnetize and lose the MB forever? Your life is lived and ultimately resides in your brain. The modern world adds new features, such as the ability to communicate over invisible radio waves, and keep snapshots and audio of moments perfectly as a third unemotional party. I personally struggle with the creep of technology and genuine human nature.

Mostly the hard part is seeing moments where my smile was forced or where there was no smile on my Ex's face. These are like the cookie crumbs dropped on the trail that you can follow to the eventual demise of the relationship. Life is hard, and you get hurt, and you hurt others. However, without all that mess we really wouldn't learn. I was a silly person. I believed that the story and the origins of my relationship made it sooo special that the obvious day-to-day communication breakdowns and incompatibilities over what the future should look like were ignored.

So the ethic of the tale is that the past is a trainer. There were miserable moments and gorgeous ones, communication that never made sense, and moods that never seemed to align. We walked bravely and tried our best. This is why I still have pictures of my Ex.

Lessons learned

O the things you learn when given time away from relationships. Learning about myself really puts things in perspective.

1) i can put up with a lot, but that doesn't mean i have to.
2) sometimes it just isn't right.
3) people are not bad because you break up.
4) don't put yourself on the back-burner for someone else for too long.
5) if asked to change drastically the person really doesn't love you.
6) sure sharing moments is great, but the silence and arguments in between don't make up for it.
7) things should be easy day to day.
8) when crisis happens you come together rather than pull apart.
9) trust that what i say is what i mean, there are no ulterior motives.
10) you do you, i do me, we come together. if that doesn't work than we wont work.
11) i know how to make myself happy, and am fine alone, and there are always other fish in the sea if i want. A reminder that life goes on.
12) a bad experience wont dim me from pursuing a connection with another love and i will not let bitterness or anger win.
13) there is no timeline, and there is no end game, things and people come and go and you live in the moment.
14) things are not always 50-50 but if after years one has supported the other's drama w/o equivalent support in return then that is a problem.
15) don't let your partner control your social life
16) there is no need for nagging, i can take care of myself just fine w/o you, the world will still spin
17) controlling behavior just is worthless, and it repels
18) strong and independent dont always mean emotionally available or good partners
19) craft a strong bond with your partner
20) share similar dreams